Routine, Routine, Routine!
Our brains like to take the easy route. As humans we are programmed to take shortcuts to conserve energy of the brain. This is why we fall in patterns of letting life play out, rather than using mental energy to think things through. Especially when you are so preoccupied trying to sort all the things in order for you to live your Expat life. When in the moment, and a decision has to be made, we usually act out of impulse which is usually the easy way out full of unmanaged thoughts and emotions behind it. Therefore, if we make decisions ahead of time in terms of what you expect and the consequence if it is not carried out. You are using your pre-frontal cortex making you less reactive as a parent.
When we hear routine, we often think regimented schedules to the hour. However, routines can also be emotionally created through relationships and environments that are both predictable and accessible to your child. Therefore, children do not need perfect parents to thrive, they need predictable parents. This is even more so when they are trying to settle into a new country as an Expat. Everything external is brand new and different, so for their one constant – You – to be predictable can help them feel secure a lot faster.
While you may be spending lots of time overall with your child, consider how predictable your focused attention is for them? Their development is best supported by fewer but more focused moments of positive interaction than attempts at sustaining distracted attention throughout the day.
It is perfectly fine to take out time for yourself away from your child to cope with your own mind. In fact, it can be used as an example that you are taking out time to manage your own thoughts and feelings – the same way you would like your child to.
For children, routine is key as it creates a sense of security. When kids know what to expect, they’re calmer, their emotions are more leveled out, and they tend to be more cooperative. For this reason, routines can also help with behavioral issues.
The working memory (short term memory) in children is constantly shifting through new information and put it into 3 categories: What I already know, adapting existing knowledge and new knowledge. Therefore, when specific tasks are a routine for children, through repetition, your child does not have to put energy into processing instructions. They also give them a sense of independence and control both now and for their future. Routines constrain and simplify life for you and your child leading to a more peaceful home.
Try these 3 simple steps:
1. What area in your daily life would you benefit from by putting a routine in place that mirrors how life was in your home country? (For example, timed device time, bedtime, morning routine.)
2. What would be the order of events for this routine to be successful and realistic? (Remember to leave in idle time)
3. What consequence will I need to put into place if it is not carried out, is it fair for all parties involved? You must be able to carry it out without emotion.
Once you have decided the right routine and consequence, advise your child of it calmly. They will definitely challenge it at first. Therefore, you impose the consequence without judgment on them or yourself. With time, it will get easier as everyone knows what it is expected.
Visit the website www.amalifecoaching.com if you would like to explore other ways I can help you get through Relocating abroad with children or for more information with other areas I can help with overcoming issues expats face.